Today was Father’s Day, and after talking shit about my dad for about six hours; my mom and brother decided they were gonna take me to the nature outside the neighborhood..
Terrence (big brother) drove the Honda by the railroad tracks, that’s how we got there.. First we looked at one of the rivers/streams we found some watermelon..
Now I know that’s not that interesting.. But wild and native watermelon! The flowers were beautiful.. Then we went down the dirt path along the train tracks a little further..
There it was, the overpass for the highway.. Now that doesn’t sound like much.. But the graffiti was massive and urbanely beautiful. Some were stupid, others were large and gorgeous. I walked down the overpass and saw the river as far as I could see..
We then went to the old park.. Which wasn’t far away from the overpass. And the old football field was covered in field flowers.. Now this is right outside the neighborhood…
A perfect example of nature right smack in suburbia.
There are many factors as to why,
Why I should be dead.
Why this shouldn’t be so..
The biggest factor was you.
When I went through my depression there were many moments where my own life was being risked.. I already felt dead inside so to me nothing mattered. So much negativity ran through my head. I called myself a slut on a daily basis to myself. I felt so used and worthless.
Depression is a way of becoming your own worst enemy. When I recovered I often wondered why I hadn’t died at my most recent suicide attempt. Downing 48 ibuprofens, that being a two day overdose naturally should kill a person. I woke up the next day depressed and dehydrated.. But I was alive.
When I reflect on why I didn’t die that night, I don’t like to pour it all into one aspect. I use the future as the best reason. It’s a broad and vague answer. Although it is no lie that god/destiny had you in mind when I kept breathing through that night..
Sometimes people come into one another’s lives for no reason. And others are already in each other’s stories before they even meet. Destiny does exist, because if it didn’t.. I wouldn’t have met this very special person. Look I know this is a sappy post.. But I’m a sappy person with a blog who blogs.
In a way, I’m excited.. But trying not to rush faith. Things will happen when they are destined to. And boy! Have I learned that!
Thank you god/destiny for keeping me breathing that dark night.
When things change in our lives, we often resist. We pull away and prevent anything major from happening. In life, change is what helps us grow up. We grow, learn, and change as human beings. Change is often seen as a negative thing, when in fact it can be very positive if looked in the right light. Change is what helps us move forward in our lives, it’s a driving force. And all change is for a reason, your life goes down a different path for either a lesson or a blessing. More often these lessons are blessings in themselves. We must remember such, change is an important part in life, and we cannot be afraid.
It’s my first day back in Texas, and sleeping on an air mattress makes it feel more like a vacation. When the move is finalized it will feel less weird. But I guess when you have wanted something for so long.. It is going to feel weird.
So the lease in Arizona is up, I am moving in with my boyfriend for about a month. That means after two long years I will be returning to my hometown. It was by circumstance that I came out here in the first place, but finally god is piecing my life back together. The darkest days are over and I couldn’t be happier.
I see a lot of this eating disorders going around on the internet. People denying themselves the only fuel for their bodies. Food in any form is our fuel. Seeing girls sacrifice their health just for a very unhealthy image. They have a problem, it is not beautiful. Looking like you’re from a concentration camp is not flattering. Denying yourself food when there are starving children is not bold. If you want to be slimmer and fitter, eat healthy and exercise. Anyone in their right mind wouldn’t tell you otherwise. You have to accept yourself before you can make any kind of change. Everyone’s body’s are different, why try to conform and look like someone else. You’re you, no matter how many pounds of you there may be… Love all of yourself. Don’t worry about a few pounds here or there, most likely they are muscle. Muscle always weighs more than fat. Fit people are more healthy than starving people. So don’t let society tell you otherwise. Society doesn’t know you personally, so don’t take it personally. Be healthy and strong, no matter what weight that may be at.
When people apologize it’s kinda nice. For them to admit they did wrong when you see this in a person and see that they are genuine. They are trying to fix themselves. Starting with what they did wrong. Hmm..
Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Never fair.
I remember the day I realized I was in love with you. I was at lunch with my best friend Yaneli I’m not sure how we got on the topic of you. It went Something like this..
“do you still have a crush on Scott”
“studies show that after about four months of consecutively liking someone it becomes more than a crush.”
“are you saying you love him”
“I am in love with him. It kills me but keeps me alive all at the same time”
She hugged me as I tried to hold back the tears.